Monday, April 27, 2009

My secret

11:28 PM Posted by: M., 1 comments

I'm back! I am finding it is getting more difficult to be "under the radar" lately regarding my unbelief. I live about 30 minutes away from my ├╝ber Christian parents and brother and see them often and it is growing increasingly difficult for me to keep up this facade. They know I don't go to church, but every time they see me, my mom says I need fellowship and all that bullshit...and my brother wants me to go to his church and I just can't find an excuse not to go.

I feel like I am trying to protect them by keeping my deconversion a secret, but I think I am moreso trying to protect myself. I deconverted 2 years ago and still I am struggling to keep all this a secret. I don't know what the final solution will be...I don't know if I will have to keep pretending until they all die, or if a month from now I will just explode and come clean.

Another hard thing is that I am trying to keep my deconversion a secret from a friend who recently came back into my life. She had a very sordid past (drug addiction, stripping, acting in porn, abuse, etc) and she recently turned her life completely around when she got pregnant, and now her faith is what is keeping her from returning to her dangerous and abusive past. She is in a fragile time right now and I worry that news of my unbelief could rattle her because I am someone she relies on.

It's kind of a helpless feeling. I cannot and will not lie to myself and say that I believe in order to make relations with my family and friends easier, but it is so hard to know that my secret would devastate them and most likely wedge a huge wall between us. I'd like to think that more time and planning would help me have the courage to be honest with them, but I'm pretty confident that that will not happen. So I guess I will just have to wait and see if this will be something I hold in until my parents die, or if I will snap tomorrow and just show everyone who the real me is.

--posted from my iPhone

1 comment:

exapologist said...

Hey, M!

I hope it all works out with your friends and family!