Saturday, August 18, 2007

gone daddy gone

12:51 PM Posted by: M., 4 comments

I was reading on another blog by A Thinking Man, about his "coming out" as a non-christian, and his de-conversion. It was interesting to me to read something he said in brief. He was explaining the process of de-converting and all that he encountered during that time, and I found this part very interesting.

"Although a degree of general unease and doubt had been happening over a number of years (Does God really answer prayers? He doesn’t seem to answer mine.)"

It made me think about all of us or others who have de-converted and what we went through while we were still trying to hang onto our belief. I remember trying to maintain a belief in God and a trust in him...I tried praying so much for him to reveal himself, for him to help me make sense of everything, for him to just give me anything, any sign that he was alive.

It is scary to de-convert at first. I totally stayed up at night worrying about Hell and condemnation, worrying about what my parents would say, and if I would be able to hold onto my friends and family. I feared the Devil and questioned why God would seemingly "choose" me only to have my admission into heaven be retracted. I got angry, feeling that God hardened my heart and that I was chosen for eternal suffering. ---Basically all these thoughts went through me and I prayed really hard for a while for some peace and rest in this situation.

Anyway, I just am imagining all those who have de-converted, before they did so. While in the process, trying desperately to hold onto their previous beliefs and the beliefs of their friends or family--holding onto the familiar, and what seemed the most comforting and hopeful. People--adults--praying to God at night for help, only to receive no answer, only to wake up feeling stale. That makes me sad and angry.

A vision that came to my mind in this was one of a child and its dead mother. I have learned about and been exposed to a lot about women dying in war and in famines, etc. Many times, they will have children near them as they die, and the child will remain with the mother even long after she is gone. All that is familiar to them, all that has nourished them is now gone and unresponsive. In some cases, children have been found trying to suck from their dead mother's breast. It is definitely one of the most disturbing scenes that this planet has to witness-- I also think it kind of fits with de-conversion.

Our concept of a father, a provider, nourisher, caretaker, is dying or dead, yet we still try to cling onto him, we make excuses for his silence, telling passersby that he is alive, he is just silent--when all the while he is dead and never existsted.

I dont know, maybe that is too morbid or a stretch, but it is in my brain today.


exapologist said...

Wow, that is a chillingly accurate analogy. Very interesting, Marie.

Steve said...

Marie... if you haven't listened to "Letting Go of God" by Julia Sweeney... you should.

lowendaction said...


Try this on for size. Watch this clip, then read on:

Now, besides the fact that Family Guy is absoluteley THE greatest show ever, here's how this relates to the topic in my twisted brain.

So we are Stewie and God is Helen Keller (just for this example...please don't go to deep with this). We are swimming around desperately trying to communicate with God. He is there, but since our eyes are closed we can not see Him. And God communicates through "different" means. That is to say, with real Helen Keller, it turns out that she had a great deal to offer the world, and once her mother (I think it was her mother...) figured out HOW to communicate with her, WITHOUT the luxury of the usual methods (speaking, hearing, reading, seeing).

I think this applies to how we attempt to communicate with God. We insist on using what mediums are familiar and relevant to us, and furthermore bring OUR agenda and needs before we've even learned HOW to communicate with Him.

I realize the example is abstract, and that I've done an even worse job of explaining it, but I hope some of it made sense, because it sure works for me.


marco...marco...marco...(it kills me every time).

In case you've never seen the episode, here's that whole scene, enjoy:

becky said...

that was powerful imaginery.