Sunday, February 18, 2007


11:27 PM Posted by: M., 2 comments

It is really difficult to be surrounded by Christians right now. I need some non-christian friends. It is hard because I don't really know what I believe, but I really don't believe in so much that the people around me are talking about. But I have to pretend like I agree. I don't want to start arguments because I don't even want to argue, and I have no confidence in anything I believe/don't believe in. So in the meantime, I am trying to figure out how to act around people. It is hardest because I am currently staying with my parents and they are hardcore Evangelical conservatives and everything that comes out of their mouths is godspeak. What is most difficult, is that my parents totally, totally look down on anyone who questions Christianity, the Bible, or who believes in Global Warming. I am 100% serious. So they just talk, talk, talk about all this judgemental christian stuff, and I just have to nod and smile and pretend that I agree. If I told them how I really feel, our relationship would nose-dive. I am 1000% positive. They would not respect me, they would second-guess any decision I made (even if totally unrelated to spirituality), and they would try to "save" me and/or ostracise me. I am supremely confident that all that would happen even though I am their own daughter.

I just don't know how to handle myself. I continue to go to church for a couple reasons...I actually like the people at church, I need to make my parents think I still go to church, and I don't think that being there is a bad thing...I just don't know what to do when I am there--I can't sing the songs, I feel uncomfortable standing really, and I have to pretend a lot. It feels kind of weird and bad to be back there in a place where I used to be able to feel okay singing and listening to the sermon, while now I kind of feel like a transplanted kidney in a body that is slowly rejecting it.


Barry said...

You said, "I just don't know what to do when I am there--I can't sing the songs, I feel uncomfortable standing really, and I have to pretend a lot."

I feel like that too, and I do believe, so it must be even more difficult for you when you're struggling with faith. I sympathise.

I do think it's good that you're questioning Christianity, though. That may sound odd coming from a Christian, but questioning things can be the only way of finding out if they're really true or not. I wish you well in your journey and hope you come to a satisfactory way of resolving your questions.

One thing though (I guess you must have heard this loads of times): please don't get Christianity itself confused with church culture, or with Christians. Sometimes we are the worst possible advertisements for God.

marie said...

hey Barry,

Thanks a lot for that! Thanks for understanding this--it is an impotant time and if I come back to faith, it will be really strong. also thanks for the good reminder too about seeing christianity not as church--

All the best