Monday, February 19, 2007


8:50 PM Posted by: M., 3 comments

This is probably not going to be the loneliest time of my life, but I kind of hope so. If I ever felt that God was close--he is not now. God to me is just a word on a page and it doesn't feel good. This reality is separating me from my family and my friends--and without God--there really isn't much of anyone. I am questioning whether or not I really ever felt God. If I ever really, truly believed that he was there, helping me, caring for me, being merciful. I kind of think I don't. I just wanted to feel not alone, I just wanted to feel like something was in control--and everyone told me that God would help that. So I believed it. I sang songs about him that I thought I believed, I took sermon notes that I thought would be of some value to me (only to never see them again), I was in small groups where I thought I was learning the truth about God. And now I am feeling like I was sincere in that--but God might never have been there. It totally is like the Matrix or something--I was plugged into this alternate reality and now I am out of it and I can't believe I ever thought it was real. But I did think it was real. And the way I feel now makes me want to think it is real, but I can't just do that.

I may be overreacting, but right now I am having to just maintain a contant flow of making people think that I am a Christian and right with God-all the while feeling like shit for ever believing it. I am trying to figure things out while trying to keep one step ahead of everyone. And in the back of my mind is the possible reality that my family will be ruined if I don't become a christian again.

Lately this blog has become depressing as I am feeling that way. I really hope that this loneliness subsides. I don't know if God will ever make it feel better, but I just hope something will.

I also feel bad--because I am such a fortunate human with the luxury to sulk in this kind of stuff...

Sorry for the gloom. Maybe i will post some funny things to bring up the mood.


Dave Lynch said...

I was going to mention the Matrix when I read this, then I saw you already had...listen sister, I know what you are feeling...

Morpheus: Do you want to know what IT is? The Matrix is everywhere. It is all around us, even now in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work, when you go to church, when you pay your taxes. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.

Neo: What truth?

Morpheus: That you are a slave, Neo. Like everyone else you were born into bondage, born into a prison that you cannot smell or taste or touch. A prison for your mind.... Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself. This is your last chance. After this there is no turning back. You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.... Remember, all I'm offering is the truth, nothing more.... Follow me....

Now sister here is the crunch, what pill will you take, I think you may still have a choice, but then again you may have already taken the red pill, sounds possible.

So where are you now, have you had the plug ripped from the back of your head...if so then Christianity and all the other people trapped in the Matrix will fail to understand you and the great whore which is religion in Jesus name will flush you down the tube.
So now your headed to Zion, and you will want to tell others (possibly via this blog), but they will want to shut you up, to destroy you.
You will see how deep the rabbit hole goes, and as someone who is tumbling down it let me tell you this, there is no end here, but you do get to be part of the Kingdom and the immense and eternal love of Jesus, you will become tolerant, inclusive, accepting, welcoming...but most of all you will begin to be the person God created you to be, so relax sister and let God take you to Zion, see you when you get there :)

Becky said...

Have you considered that maybe you are entering the wilderness of God? And what you are describing is very real, lonely, depressing and scary. All that you know and have ever known is being stripped away...


Bobo B'nai said...

I would rather be where you are in the faith---be it ever so empty in appearance---than among the countless millions who think they are on the right track among those who could care less.

The Bible is filled with people, real people with real issues with God, who walked thru dark places, feeling utterly forsaken and abandoned of God. Read Ecclesiastes, Job or any number of the Psalms and you'll begin to find yourself in good company.

Grace and peace, BC