Monday, January 29, 2007

total confusion

10:13 AM Posted by: M., 0 comments

I am just really confused right now. I really cannot say what I do or don't believe--or why I may or may not believe or not believe it. I just have no clue. I feel like my brain and my soul are a mess of veins that are pumping nothing to nowhere. I want to believe in God. I want to believe that Jesus Christ lived and died for all our sins. I want to believe that and I think that maybe I even do believe that--but I just don't know for sure. I want to believe that God is moral and perfect. I want to believe that he saves everyone. I want to believe that I can believe.

but i do not know. what I do know is that I can't go up to church and sing those "worship" songs. I can't raise my hands or bow down. Not that I am incapable of it--but there is just so much baggage that goes along with those motions--it has nothing to do with "God's glory" or whatever. But who cares? Why should we have to do those things to prove our faith? Does God have a big wall chart with stickers for everytime we put hands on someone or prayed aloud or in public or raised our hands up? I hope not. Not because I wouldn't have any stars, but just because I do not like that idea.

Christianity is so two-faced--at least the Christianity that I am surrounded by. They profess that there is a Hell that is so horrible and bloody and full of fire and that everyone who isn't a Christian is going to burn there--yet they dont commit 100% of life to "saving" those people. They still go out and buy expensive cars and clothes in excess and pay their precious dollars to pop culture and politics. They buy into parallel ideologies like those of Rush Limbaugh or Michael Moore. They just affix themselves to the world and then "admit" that they are not doing enough, thinking that that admission is their free ticket out of any responsibility for saving people from eternal damnation. I think that is really fucked up.

I am confused because the only examples of Chrstians I have are these people. I think I really need to get away from America--maybe even Christianity for a long while.

I still pray to God. I pray to Him telling him that I don't know if I believe but I want to. Because I really do. I feel comfort in the message of God. I feel strength in it. But I just can't say that I truly believe it in my soul. I really hope too that if he is real--people like me won't just be cast into Hell. Not because I just want to get away with being a half-assed Christian or anything--but because I know there are a lot of people like me who are really open to the reality and love of God, but we are so deep in the mud of christianity around that our glasses are all dirty and we can't think straight or something.

I don't know.

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