Wednesday, December 27, 2006

grilled cheese on boob

3:47 PM Posted by: M., 0 comments

Living here--in America, in DC, in CA, in the American culture, I find myself in constant battle with materialism. It isn't really an internal battle. I want to live simply, I want to get rid of as many possessions unrelated to my immediate well-being as possible, and I do not want to spend unnecessarily on myself. I do not want things just because they are things. That doesn't make me better or worse than anyone, just different. If anything, it is selfish of me because I don't like feeling tied down to the earth materially with possessions that I have to keep track of.

Well this battle I referenced is one that I find myself in a lot and I really think I shouldn't let it bother me. I've noticed that so many people around me seem to try to push material things on me. Not in a mean way, or a negative way--just in a way. For instance, I really really enjoy to wear my clothes out. I don't care if they get holes or are stretched out--I actually tend to like them better that way. But the other day i was wearing a sweatshirt with a hole in it and my friend asked me if I needed some money to buy a new one. It was a nice gesture on her part, but it kind of irked me because I just wanted to wear a sweatshirt with a hole in it--and I didn't realize that people would notice and think that I was needy or suffering.

Away from clothes, there just is so much emphasis on getting things--things. My cell phone's battery has run down so much that it lasts for about 35 minutes of talking time on a full charge. My two year commitment is up and so now I am able to go to the store to get a new phone. I was planning on getting the free phone that they offer as opposed to shelling out like 60 bucks for something more advanced. But when I told some people that, they all said that I HAD to have a camera phone and I would regret it and the price difference would be worth it. But for me, that extra money is not worth it because I do not need it. It is like there is a full pool of water and just pouring more water in it is a waste of water. It doesn't mean it wasn't good for them or that they shouldn't buy it, it's just me that prefers not to.

IN all this I think I have somehow become kind of obsessive over this. I am torn because I get really self conscious that people are judging me because of the money that I don't spend on tons of fancy haircuts and manicures and I don't buy new clothes or gadgets. This is all my perception though. It just makes me wonder why we can't let people be, unless they are really, truly in need. I was watching this tattoo show on TV the other day and the girl artist said that she tries not to judge people on what their tattoos look like, whether they have tons or none, and how they appear...that seems like a good idea. Sure, I laughed when this woman got a grilled cheese sandwich with the Virgin Mary's face on it tattooed to her boob, but I really can't sit there and treat her like anyone other than who she truly is inside.

Man, growing up sucks. I feel that being an adult and being around adults just makes me a million times more awkward and worried that people are thinking I am not interested enough, not smiley enough, nice enough, stern enough, smart enough, etc. When I think of Jesus, I don't think of those things. I think it is because I feel that if he really was how the Bible described, he just wouldn't give a shit about things unrelated to who we are in our souls.

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